Core Beliefs, Core Pain: Understanding What Holidays Bring Up
The holiday season has a way of bringing old emotional patterns to the surface, sometimes in ways that catch us off guard. Even when nothing “bad” happens, many people feel more sensitive, more easily hurt, or more reactive around this time of year. These responses rarely come out of nowhere, they’re connected to our core beliefs and the deeper emotional pain that lives underneath them.
What Core Beliefs Really Are
Core beliefs are the silent stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what we can expect from others. They form early on through attachment experiences, family dynamics, and meaningful moments of hurt or connection. Even when we grow and build healthier relationships, these beliefs can quietly shape how we interpret the world.
Common examples include:
“I’m not enough.”
“My needs bother people.”
“If I don’t hold everything together, things fall apart.”
“I’m alone.”
“It isn’t safe to feel my emotions.”
These beliefs feel especially close to the surface during the holidays, when old roles, expectations, and family patterns tend to re-emerge.
How the Holidays Activate Core Pain
Core pain is the emotion beneath the belief. It is the sadness, fear, shame, or longing that those internal stories were built to protect you from. The holidays naturally stir this up because they are filled with challenges like social comparison, grief, disrupted routines, and unspoken expectations. A single moment, like feeling talked over at the dinner table, noticing tension in the room, or being reminded of someone you miss, can activate an emotional memory far deeper than the moment itself.
How Core Beliefs Show Up in Real Time
Many people notice familiar patterns resurfacing. These are not failures, they are protective strategies you learned to survive past pain.
Withdrawal: pulling back emotionally to stay safe
Over-functioning: taking responsibility for everyone’s feelings
Perfectionism: trying to avoid criticism or disappointment
People-pleasing: keeping peace at the cost of your own needs
Hypervigilance: anticipating conflict or rejection
A Gentle Way to Understand Your Patterns
Instead of analyzing every moment, try reflecting on just a few emotionally charged experiences this season.
1. What moment felt sharper than expected?
Was it a dismissive comment, a change in plans, an unanswered text?
2. What story did your mind tell you in that moment?
Often it’s something like:
“I don’t matter.”
“They don’t truly care about me.”
“I’m disappointing them.”
“I’ll always feel alone.”
3. What emotion lived underneath that story?
Grief? Loneliness? Fear? Shame? Guilt? Anger? Rejection?
4. How did you cope?
Did you withdraw, apologize, try to fix, go quiet, or overcompensate?
Bringing awareness to these moments helps you see the links between your present feelings and your past emotional history.
Understanding Yourself
When holiday moments activate old pain, it can feel like all your progress has disappeared. In reality, you’re not regressing, you’re becoming more aware of patterns that were always there. The holidays don’t necessarily create the wounds but they can reveal where healing is still needed. This insight is meant to gently guide you toward compassion for your inner world. When you can recognize your patterns without judgment, you can begin to give the younger, hurting parts of you the understanding they have always deserved.
